Chapter 17
Wave of Frustration
BPOV
My fingers were heavy with desire as I lay underneath Edward, removing his clothes; it was an erotic moment, revealing his hard flesh, my eyes followed every plane and ridge of his muscles. I just wanted to feel every part of him, see every part of him, and know every part of him. The song drifting through the heavy atmosphere of Edward’s bedroom filled my ears, adding to the intense and overwhelming wave of frustrated emotion I was feeling; it was David Grey’s “Falling Free”. I had this feeling falling deep within me, that I was never going to really know Edward, how am I going to be able to truly know him and understand him unless I become like him?
My body started to become frantic, anxious and frustrated. I just wanted and needed and I couldn’t have. Because I needed the heavy breaths flowing through my body, the breaths panting in and out of my body were necessary. But for Edward it was different, everything was different for him, I don’t even know if he could feel it when my nails scrapped against his back during the intense pleasure he brought to me.
“Baby…Bella…what is it…what’s wrong baby? Slow down baby…I’m not going anywhere” Edward’s hands went atop of mine, slowing my movements. His head rose, the look he gave me was of pure concern. It only frustrated me more. How was I going to continue on with this life, knowing that I couldn’t have him forever, knowing that one day he was going to have to say goodbye to me and I him. He would always stay, as he is, this beautiful man, full of fire, searching for his atonement in his eternal life. Always being able to see and experience new things, but not me, I only had these few moments my short life had to offer.
“Edward please…just feel me, take my body…I am yours” I couldn’t stop the tears that escaped my eyes. I reached up and pulled his mouth down to mine; I just needed him to understand and to know without words. Because I didn’t have the words, I didn’t know how to explain my frustration; I felt so much, had so much love for him, but it would end. And I didn’t want that, not for him, for me, and not for us. Not with what could be, we could have an eternity together, we could love and experience it together. But how, how do I tell him because there was still so much I wanted to do, things I needed to experience, but I needed him, I needed him to survive. I don’t know if I could live without him, knowing what real, true and pure love is. The raw engrossing power of it; how could I still have what I needed, experience those things, and keep Edward, how?
Edward broke our kiss. “Baby talk to me…I can’t take you being upset…fuck I never want you upset or hurt…You are my life…what can I do…Please Bella tell me what to do?” He gaze was frantic and wary.
“Edward…I…I…don’t know what to do…I just love you so fucking much…and I need you so fucking much…I…I just don’t know” I turned my body and Edward moved to lay next to me, he pulled the bed covers over our naked bodies. He pulled me close to him so I was mere inches away from him; he was stroking my back and brushed the stray hair behind my ear before wiping the tears from my cheeks with the pad of his thumb. His touch was cool and soothing, his strong hands soothing me. My eyes just stared back into his; I didn’t know how to continue.
“It’s okay baby…I’m here…always” He let out a big sigh “You know I am not going anywhere right? You can talk to me about anything…whatever it is…we can handle it together…I promise”
I let myself snuggle into his touch, his loving and giving arms. “I know…it’s just that I don’t really know how or what it is I want to say…I just feel so much…and there is a part of me that knows what I need and want to do…and then there is a part of me that feels like I am just breaking, getting worked in the swirl and I can’t find the surface” I pulled back slightly so I could see his eyes. His brow furrowed in confusion and probably frustration.
“Bella I don’t understand…what is it that you need…what can I do?”
“That is the problem Edward I don’t know…In a few weeks I am leaving, going to Seattle to live and go to school…possible work. And my logical mind knows that I need to do those things…that I need that experience…but what about you Edward…I need you and I don’t think I can live without you in my life…now that you are in it…I don’t ever want you out of it…but I…I don’t understand how or what can be done” My eyes were beginning to swell with tears again.
“Baby no worries…I told you…you are my life now…you are my everything…your it for me…if I don’t have you, this life if you can call it that isn’t worth having anymore…nothing in this world could ever hurt me…but you…so that is why I need to know what it is that you need…what you really fucking need and I will do my damnedest to make sure you get it...no questions asked” I just stared at him. I was trying to wrap my head around what he was saying to me. Could I ask him to come with me, was it fair for me to ask him to leave his family and come with me?
“Um….I uh…don’t know what to say…I mean…well…I think I know what I want to say…but…shit…Edward will you come to Seattle with me?” I just blurted out the question, there wasn’t an easy way to say, so I just let it out. Edward looked at me curiously and the corners of his mouth turned up, it looked as if he was going to laugh. He let out some sort of a snorty huff of a laugh.
“Bella…baby you know I will go with you to Seattle, that isn’t even a question…I will always be with you until you order me away…is that what this is about? Were you scared that I wasn’t going to come with you to Seattle?”
“Well sort of…I mean…I guess so…fuck I don’t know Edward it’s not like you ever really told me what it was you were going to do…I mean you did just graduate high school and well I uh…well…I didn’t know” He just smiled at me and chuckled.
“Baby I just graduated high school for like the 15th time or some shit like that…it is something I do often…and sometimes I go to college and sometimes I just do whatever…the only reason we went to school this time was because of Carlisle and getting the job at the hospital…we needed to play a role so he could work here…and our location dictates the kind of life we get to live…usually the younger we start out somewhere the longer we can stay…it’s all a big game for us really…we have all taken turns so someone could do something that they wanted” Well fuck me I guess that never really occurred to me, I really needed to start thinking in a nonsensical way because my standard logic was not working out for me.
David Grey’s “Sail Away” came on and it made me smile. “Okay Edward I think I understand…but I don’t want to talk anymore…make love to me…I want to feel you inside of me” My tone was heavy and full of want. I just needed to feel him inside of me. My frustration needed to be channeled into something better and as for the rest it could be worked out. My panic was ridiculous; I know Edward and I can make anything happen, we will do what is right for us. I don’t know what made me doubt that.
Edward pulled my body towards him and he shifted himself to hover over me. He brought his mouth down to mine, kissing me passionately. I swear I would never get tired of feeling his love for me, ever. He broke away from my lips kissing down my body, his fingers dancing along my thighs, hips, up my ribs, over my breast. He brought my arms above my head holding my wrists, his body I could feel along the entire length of mine. His free hand reached between us, his fingers grazed upon my hot and wet core. A moan escaped me at his touch.
“You are so wet baby…I love feeling you...uhhhh fuck you feel so good” And with his words he guided his hard length into my opening. My back arched instantly, my head fell back and my breathing hitched. Fuck he felt so good.
“Unngg…Edward…fuuck” My words came out in a breathy moan. He started moving slowly, deeply pushing into me letting his hips grind into mine. Our faces were but a breath apart. His eyes were so intense, a dark amber radiating back into mine. He kept up the same pace, pushing and pulling deeply, slowly, letting each of us feel each other, every inch of each other. The song changed to the Decmberists “ My Own Ture Love (Lost at Sea)”, then switching to Wolf Parade “Same Ghost Every Night”. My orgasm was building slowly; the coiling in my belly was tight, waiting for the final push that would send me falling into a wave of pleasure.
The last song came on before the erotic explosion of my release, “Set Your Arms Down” by Warpaint. When my walls stated to pulse around Edward he pulled my body closer, causing my legs to spread wider and he pushed deeper inside of me, grinding his body against mine. It caused my body to explode again. “That’s right baby…feel me…come hard for me baby…ughhhh fuck…Bellllaaa” And with that Edward’s release exploded from his hard cool body. We came down from our orgasms and he let my arms go, setting them down and rolling over pulling me against his chest. I fell into a deep sleep against the coolness of Edward’s body, while he ran his fingers through my hair. Before the darkness over took me, I placed a kiss on his chest above his dead heart. I swore I hear him say ‘forever my Bella’ and felt him kiss my hair. But I was to close to the darkness to know either way. So I let my body fall into the black and take me away for the night.
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